


Jackass Jesus Take the Wheel

by DigitalInfamy



Series: Jackass Jesus [2]
Category: Christian Bible, Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Humor, Parody, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalInfamy/pseuds/DigitalInfamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A woman in an out-of-control car asks Jackass Jesus to take the wheel. What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trouble

Hi. I’m Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

Saviour of the world, Son of God, formerly crucified prophet…

And I’m bored out of my brain.

If you’ve read the Book of Revelations, you should know that I should be coming back to judge the living and the dead or some shit like that. Of course, God, my daddy, is a massive lazy fuck and couldn’t be bothered doing anything dramatic like that any time soon.

Also, I’m technically grounded. Daddy didn’t like me getting too chummy with Satan last time.

Apparently, getting butt-fucked multiple times in one day by Pontius Pilate wasn’t enough punishment for me.

But I digress.

Anyway, this means that I’m stuck here roaming heaven, looking down on those poor pathetic people going about their daily lives like zombies, slowly shuffling toward their deaths. I see cities filled with glum looking douchebags, waking up to go to work, only to do barely anything for seven hours and then go home to sleep again.

Times back in the old days was so much more fun. All the killings, invasions, slavery, Daddy’s crazy wrath… good times.

I look around to find somebody, _anybody_ , that looks like they’re actually having fun in this shitty big city. It’s work hour, so everyone is in full zombie mode, but surely there should be still somebody interesting to watch somewhere.

I sweep my gaze from the dense mass of city skyscrapers and look along the incoming interstate highway just alongside. There’s always some speeding douchebag who thinks he’s hot shit, driving some shitty car with an oversized exhaust pipe to compensate for something. Practically guaranteed.

Soon enough, I see a rusty old muscle car, speeding down the freeway. It’s belching out black smoke out of the exhaust and it’s weaving between cars as it speeds ahead. Standard asshole driver stuff.

I use heaven’s “God Mode” vision tool to see and hear inside the car. With a wave of my hand, I can bring up a screen to see pretty much anywhere. I don’t use it much anymore, since I’ve pretty much seen everything I can see with it while waiting for my Dad to get off his ass and actually do something. However, it’s not like I’ve got much else to do, so I bring up a view of the inside of the car.

Inside is a pretty blond woman, with fair skin and a slightly freckled face, singing along loudly to a country song called “Jesus Take The Wheel.” She’s stylishly waving her shoulder length hair everywhere like she’s in a shampoo commercial, and tapping her hands to the song on the steering wheel.

Normally, I’d be flattered. Unfortunately, she has a seriously shitty voice.

At this point, she closes her eyes and starts yelling the chorus:

_Jesus take the wheel_

_Take it from my hands_

_Cause I can't do this on my own_

_I'm letting go…_

She’s still belting down the highway while she’s doing this by the way, narrowly missing several cars. Probably not a good idea to close your eyes in a speeding car, dumb bitch.

 At this point, she opens her eyes, and seeing that she’s coming up pretty fast to the back end of a school bus, she wrenches the steering wheel to the right and swerves past the bus, causing the tires to skid and the car to start drifting all over the four lanes of the highway, surprisingly not hitting anyone yet.

“JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!” she screams, thankfully not singing anymore. Her car is fishtailing like crazy as she struggles for control. “JESUS HELP ME!”

_Fuck you, I’m grounded. I’m not taking your wheel._

“JESUS! PLEASE!” Her beautiful blue eyes are wide open now. I see this clearly as I shift my God View to the front to look at her face. I can’t let that face get smashed in… at least not while I’m looking. Also, she’s pretty hot.

I’m still grounded, but I might be able to get away with sneaking out for a little while. I’ve been stuck in heaven for too long now; even fluffy white cloud walls and floors made of every precious metal known to man can get mind-numbingly boring when you keep looking at it for a few thousand years.

At that moment, I make a snap decision.

I’m going to do it. I’m busting out.

I run as fast as I can past all the golden mansions, the rivers of milk and honey, and the massive wide open fields of unnaturally green grass to reach the front gate.

As usual, St Peter is on the other side, checking in newly dead people into heaven. He isn’t looking my way right now, arguing with a particularly stubborn Catholic priest about Mary or some shit like that – I didn’t really listen.

I dash out past the lines, silently thanking Catholic priests for being mega assholes, as I make my way beyond the boundary of heaven, leap off into space and activate my messiah warp teleport straight down to a certain rusty out-of-control muscle car.


	2. Fun

I teleport directly into the driver’s seat, transporting the current driver into the passenger seat at the same time.

Smooth, if I do say so myself. I even managed to get seatbelts over both of us… you know, safety first.

The car is still racing down the highway, fishtailing madly though somehow managing to miss every car it passes. I wrestle with the steering wheel and make the car swerve to the right, sideswiping a station wagon and nudging it along with the poor assholes inside off the road and into a ditch. However, it stabilizes my car, giving me control.

I realize that my passenger is still screaming her lungs out from the passenger seat, so I take a look at her to see how she’s doing. She’s backed as far as she can into the corner of the door and the seat, with a freaked out expression on her face, bug-eyes and hands held up defensively. However, she stops screaming and instantly calms down once she looks into my eyes.

“Wait, how did you… are you Jesus?” she says.

“Yep. That’d be me. Also, that was some really neat drifting just then.” I smirk at her, but she just looks dumbfounded at me. “Also, how’d you guess?”

“Well… you’re here after I called out to you and…” she gestures to my white robe, “you’re wearing that. Also, the holes in your wrists.” At that, she slightly winces, but otherwise doesn’t react much more.

Shortly after, she repositions herself back into her seat, running her left hand through her shampoo-commercial quality hair. It had been mussed in the sing session and apparently now was the time to fix it, as opposed to… well, you know, her emotional state or something.

She shifts her gaze back out the front window as she combs her hair, looking like a supermodel in the afternoon sunlight – all calm and smooth moves, like nothing had ever happened. That doesn’t last long though, when something outside makes her eyes grow wide and promptly start screaming again. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Her voice is piercingly loud and really hurts my holy ears.

“Oh shut up!” I yell slapping my right hand over my ear and looking out the front window. Seeing the rear end of an oncoming truck approaching fast, I also freak out and start screaming too. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

Yeah, I should probably take my own advice about keeping eyes on the road.

Wrenching the steering wheel to the left with both hands, I swerve around it, causing the shitty-grip tires to protest as the car starts drifting again. This time, I’m the one left to wrestle with the car, and I quickly realize that I’m actually a shittier driver than the lady is.

I should have remembered: since I’m grounded, my powers only work when I’m in heaven. Down here, I’ve lost pretty much everything, except teleport. That means that I’ve lost my omniscience, which means that I’m now only left with information that I obtained without said omniscience.

In other words, that means that the only reason that I even know the basics of how to operate a car is because I watch a shit-ton of Top Gear and other car shows. Not too good, given that I’m in a speeding, swerving rusty hunk of shit and I can barely operate the thing.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, you fucking piece of shit!” I yell just as the car sideswipes lightly into a red sedan on my side, full of drunken yobs. In a panic, I twist the wheel the other way, which causes the car to drift right to slam hard into a rusty station wagon driven by some grandma with white wispy hair and more wrinkles than Methuselah’s ass. My car nudges hers against the side of a school bus, smashing my passenger side window in the process and making my passenger start her shitty ear-destroying screaming again too.

Thankfully, the heavy school bus, also full of heavy looking fat kids, saves the both of us from more crazy sideways action and puts this rusty shitbox back under my control.

My heart is hammering at a million miles per hour at this stage, the adrenaline rush making me feel alive and freaked out at the same time. I let out the breath I didn’t know I had been holding in relief, before punching my hand into the roof in victory. “Whoo!”

Now I look over to the passenger side, to my still screaming passenger, and out the broken window to one very pissed off looking granny. Hell, she could be Satan’s granny right now given the fiery rage etched on that face.

“Sorry!” I yell out the window towards her over the sound of my passenger’s screaming.

She just flips me the bird. “ _Fuck you_ , hippie piece of shit!”

_Wrinkly asshole._

I keep my foot on the pedal but let up on the speed a little, so that I’m at the speed of the other cars around me and also behind the demonic-looking granny driver. My passenger has stopped screaming and I turn to her. “Seriously, the grip on this car is absolute _shit!_ Oh, and by the way, what’s your name?”

She hesitates a little, before answering. “My name’s Lucy.” Another pause, then she looks up at me. “Look Jesus, can you actually drive?”

“Can I? Uh… no, not really.” I turn my gaze back on the road, but not before I catch her shocked expression.

“Wait, you’re the messiah and you can’t… oh my god, why are you even driving, just stop on the side now.”

“Swearing’s a sin, Lucy.”

“What? I _swore_?”

“Yeah, you said ‘oh my god.’ That counts. Beside, I’m technically God. I find that offensive.”

“And what about all those s-bombs you were dropping earlier?”

“Messiah privileges.”

“What! you…” she trails off, and I can see her exasperated face from the corner of my eye. “Okay, so you can’t drive.”

“Apparently not.”

She stops talking at this point, allowing the silence to stretch into awkwardness, opting to stare at the side of my head, while I look out ahead, trying to keep the car as straight as possible. Finally, she speaks again. “So, why aren’t you stopping.”

Good point. Why aren’t I stopping? She’s got me there. I don’t know how to operate a car beyond the basics. Also, I’ve saved Lucy here from her dumbfuckery. Why am I still here in the driver seat of this rust-bucket, hurtling down the highway at speeds that I shouldn’t even be comfortable with, given my crap driving skills?

Then I realize it; I’m having _fun_. The near misses, the insane drifts, the sideswipes and pissed off assholes… this shit was a nice change of pace from heaven. This was exciting, white-knuckle fun. The fun you can only get when running from an angry mob trying to stone you, or when you try to fend off hordes of ugly, horny whores in the local brothel hungry for magical messiah cock. That’s something that I’ve been sorely lacking thanks to being grounded for thousands of years.

Better tell Lucy here. Keep communication open and all, especially with pretty girls. I hear they get pissed easily.

“Well Lucy, it’s because I’m having too much fun!”

“What! Oh no, no, no. Just pull over on the shoulder here. You’ve done your job, now just _go_.”

“Oh come on! The fun’s just getting started!”

“What?! PULL OVER YOU ASSHOLE!”

Okay, maybe telling her wasn’t the best idea. Oh well. I turn to her and give her my most charming smile. “Oh come on, stop being a pussy. Enjoy life!” And with that, I slam down the pedal with my holy sandaled foot and tear off past the others, receiving angry horns in response.

“Woohoo!” I yell, punching my right fist again into the roof of the car.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Lucy starts screaming again.

“Oh, shut the fuck up and have _fun_!”


	3. Cops, Roadblocks and Reflections

I’m barrelling down the highway, headed for the exit ramp that leads into the city. After all, I should explore the place up close and personal. Might even liven up the place with my presence.

The car roars past a slow white van to get to the exit ramp, and I slow down a little, but not too much. Besides, I’m here for fun after all. Better get my money’s worth if I’m going to sneak out during curfew.

Lucy had long stopped screaming at this point, and glancing over at her, she’s gripping the sides of her seat pretty hard, as if that were the only thing keeping her in there. _I did put the seat belt on for you, dumb bitch._

But I digress. I’m here for fun, and what could be more fun than scaring the shit out of fat-ass pencil-pushing zombies on their lunch break with a loud muscle car? Might even give them a little exercise with the jumping that they’ll do.

I speed down the bend in the off-ramp, and straight into the slower streets of the city, between the shiny skyscrapers of some multi-national corporation. At this hour, traffic isn’t too bad, since it’s not rush hour, but there are plenty of fat corporate-looking fucks walking around the sidewalks, looking for food to fill their already plump bellies.

I slow down to a crawl beside the kerb, watching said fat fucks walk by aimlessly, before slamming my foot on the accelerator and making the car take off, engine roaring loudly, and front wheel jumping up slightly. It scares the shit out of them, making some of them jump, some of them drop their food or whatever they were holding, and some even flipping the bird and mouthing off at me.

I do this a couple of times, of course. Each time, the car takes off faster than a priest after a choirboy, and I find my thoughts on this hunk of rusting metal changed. This may be a rust-bucket, but it’s a damn powerful and probably very speedy rust-bucket. A shame that it can’t be put to good use here.

I notice that Lucy hasn’t made any noises or complaints of any sort since she stopped screaming, so I look over at her to see how she’s doing. She simply stares back with a slightly fearful expression on her face. Her hands still gripping the sides of the seat so hard that she should have torn off chunks of it by now.

“C’mon, live a little.” I say, flashing my cool messiah smile. She simply stares back at me, without saying a word or changing her expression. Maybe smile fashions change? This used to work plenty on hookers back in Roman times.

Suddenly, she whips her head around to the door. “I’m getting out!” She grabs the door handle and yanks on it, but the door doesn’t open. Apparently, the run in with demon grandma has smashed her door into the frame, and now it won’t open.

She tugs and pushes more insistently at the door, first with one hand, then with both, before she resorts to shoulder charging it in an attempt to force it open. Finally, she reaches for her seatbelt, unfastening it. She’s probably going to jump out the window, from the looks of things.

“Oh come on Lucy!” I say, as she carefully pokes her head out the window to see if it’s safe. We’re driving at city speeds now, so she could jump out without hurting herself. However, there are cars passing by her side, and there aren’t too many gaps in between them. “Stop being a pussy!”

“Fuck you!”

“No, fuck you, miss I-can’t-have-fun-because-I’m-an-uptight-coward-bitch woman! Fuck you. You can’t bail on a party like this!”

“Yes I can. Also, this isn’t what I call fun.”

“Well what the fuck do you call fun then.”

She glares back at me. “You wouldn’t understand.” She says, before looking back out the window.

“What about your car?”

“It’s my boyfriend’s. I’ll report it stolen by some delusional jackass from the mental ward.” At this stage, Lucy starts to stick her shoulders beyond the window now.

“Bullshit! Who drives like an asshole in their boyfriend’s car?”

She doesn’t respond. Looking back through the front windscreen, I see the traffic clear, with multiple green lights across a number of the intersections ahead of me.

Time to change Lucy’s mind.

I stamp my foot down hard on the accelerator, sending the car roaring and the front wheels jumping high up into the air in a wheelie. Lucy starts up her mega-scream again, through her head is out the window, so it isn’t so bad.

“Nobody bails on Jesus Christ! Accept your Lord and Saviour, and have fun!”

I manage to pull off that wheelie through about four or so intersections before the front wheels bounce back down on the tarmac over and over again, making Lucy’s scream warble with each tire slam. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAaaaAAaaaAaaahhh…”

Actually pretty funny if I do say so myself. Maybe I’ll do it again.

The upside is that the frame of the door banging repeatedly into her chest has knocked the wind out of her. No wind, no scream. No scream, no nag. No nag, no problems.

The bad news is that I couldn’t see where I was going with the wheelie, and now I realize I’m heading for a construction zone…

At over fifty miles an hour…

Also, both the roads on either side have been blocked off.

_Shit_.

I slam on the brakes with both my feet and turn the steering wheel as fast as I can toward the right, making the car drift and Lucy’s head slam against the door frame before she gets thrown back inside the car and up against me. I ignore her as I fight with the sliding car, not sure where exactly I want to aim it.

I spot a narrow entrance into an alleyway right next to a garbage skip and I decide to go for it, not even sure if the car will fit. I don’t have too many other choices anyway.

I manage to get the car to slide to the alleyway, the rear of the car slamming lightly against the skip, before the tires get a grip and I’m speeding off again. I take the opportunity to take a brief glance down at Lucy, who’s slumped over my shoulder. She’s knocked out cold, and drooling on my shoulder.

I simply shrug her off, using my arm to throw her back into her seat. _Safety first. Buckle up._

The alleyway is quite narrow, and I lose both my side mirrors as I race down the length of it. As I emerge on the other side, I narrowly miss a garbage truck, getting a rude horn, before I drift right toward the direction of the traffic, the rear end narrowly missing a fire hydrant and leaving a nice big dent on the shiny red sports car parked in front of it.

I’m really getting the hang of this driving thing, if I do say so myself.

Up at the intersection ahead, I take a left this time, since that’s the only place the traffic lights will allow me to go right now.

As I take the turn, I look over to Lucy again, to see how she’s doing. She’s still slumped over against the door, out cold. A few strands of her blond hair hang out the broken window and flutter in the wind. Also, I see some blood in her hair staining the spot where her head smashed against the doorframe.

She’ll be fine, I think. Now she can’t rain on my parade.

I look back out through the front windscreen and take in the scene in front of me. This street is one of the longer ones that run almost the entire length of the city from the looks of things. However, it’s chock full of cars, clogging up every red light at every intersection as far as I can tell from here. And it isn’t even rush hour.

Shit. No fun here. I come to a stop behind a yellow taxi next to the kerb, craning my head to try and look past the mass of cars ahead of me.

Suddenly, as flash of blue and red appears in my rear view mirror and I hear the wail of a siren.

Double shit. _Cops_.

“No, no, no, no, _no_! You aren’t taking this away from me!” I yell out to no-one in particular. “I didn’t come all this way to this shit.”

I look around for an opening, but there isn’t one. All the cars are gridlocked, and probably aren’t going anywhere fast. I can’t reverse either, since I’m blocked off by some more cars that have turned into my lane since I’ve stopped. The cops have also stopped a few cars back from my lane. I see two particularly fat officers step out of their car, making their way to me.

Seriously, is everybody fat in this city?

Anyway, I’m stuck here in a banged up car, a knocked out girl in my passenger seat, and fat cops walking up to my car. My fun-meter is dropping fast. If I don’t act fast, I’m going to be in deep shit.

I look around again, much more frantically, but nobody has moved an inch. The streets are still clogged up more than the arteries of these fat fucks walking on the sidewalk beside me.

At least they’re getting exercise…

Then it hits me. I’ll take the sidewalk.

With the car.

Also, I might make these corporate pricks run a little. Win-win!

I turn the wheel to the left and jump the kerb, making a couple of guys nearby jump back in fright. Once my front wheels clear the kerb, I slam down the pedal, making the rear tires squeal as they find their grip and send me hurtling down the sidewalk.

In front of me, I can see guys jumping, or in some cases, rolling their fat-asses out of the way of my oncoming car. One of them doesn’t get out of the way in time and I catch his backside on the corner of my front end, sending him spinning into a taxi window. In the rear mirror, the cops have taken chase on foot, before doubling over to catch their breath. I toot my horn again and again, laughing at the sight of these tumbling, bumbling fucks in front of me. I’m having fun again!

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Lucy stirring. She’s coming round.

I take quick looks over to her, watching her push herself up into her seat, blinking and getting her bearings. She takes in her surroundings, the people running around outside and me in the driver seat. Taking another quick look over to her, she looks like she is trying to say something…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Lucy starts her shitty mega-scream again, and she doesn’t sound like she’s about to stop for quite a while.

“Oh shut up, shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” I didn’t know screaming women could be such a damper on enjoyment. _What was that human saying? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?_

I’m halfway down the clogged street by now, and I start looking for side-streets that will lead away from this jam. Eventually I take the first one I can find. It’ll probably be faster than trying to dodge these pricks anyway.

Turning my wheel hard to the left, the car goes into a drift, sliding along the length of the street. I get the car straight again, before turning right at the next intersection, running the red light and narrowly missing a passing van coming from the right. Lucy winces in response, still screaming her head off.

Wow, that girl has a lot of air in her.

In front of me, I see that half the road has been blocked off with traffic cones, while road workers and a tractor fill in large potholes. The blockage has caused a choke point, slowing traffic as people ahead fight to squeeze through the narrowed gap. I’m forced to stop again, as I join the line.

I look in the rear view mirror and see flashing blue and red flashing lights in the distance, closing fast. I don’t hear any sirens at the moment, but that’s probably because Lucy still hasn’t stopped screaming as opposed to any indication that the cops are too far away.

Fucking pigs are fast. No time to lose. I slam my foot down again, breaking my way out of the line and running over a traffic cone. Road workers jump out of the way, as I speed past the tractor and through the damaged road, the car jumping up and down. Also, Lucy’s scream is hilariously warbling again.

“Your screaming is getting real tiring woman!” I yell out. I wish there were some way to shut her up.

My right tire catches a particularly large pothole, sending the car jumping, and Lucy’s head straight into the roof, making an impressive dent. She slumps back into her seat as we land, out cold again.

“Fuck yeah! First Timothy two verse eleven. Women should shut the fuck up! Read your Bible, woman!”

I make it to the end of the blocked off zone, running over another traffic cone and swerving around the cars leaving the choke point, speeding down the end of the road. It was a bad idea to come into the city; I need more space to play around. No wonder everyone’s a zombie here – the city really sucks the fun out of you.

Scanning the signs, I see directions to the interstate highway, and I follow them as best as I can, taking another left, then a right, then another left again, before I find the exit ramp that leads out of the city and back to high-speed freedom.

Time to really test this car now. As the road clears ahead of me, I slam down hard on the pedal, and the car takes off like usual, hurtling down the ramp and joining the other cars on the highway without any drama.

I weave in and out of the cars ahead of me, whooping at the feeling of freedom that only speed can give you. I punch my fist into the roof over and over again in celebration, this time hard enough to leave a small dent. This is living and I’m not too keen on returning back to heaven anytime soon. If I had a physical fun-meter, it would be well into the red by now. In fact, I probably should have never entered the city in the first place, if I knew that the highway could have given me this much fun.

My thoughts are interrupted by the drone of a helicopter somewhere above me. Craning my head to look out my side window, I see a helicopter coming into view from ahead. However, it doesn’t seem to be passing by, instead hovering in place.

Police helicopter?

I take another glance in my rear view mirror. Sure enough, I see blue and red flashing lights in the distance. Only this time, there are _heaps_ of them. Like, Egypt plague-of-locusts style heaps.

_Oh shit. You fucking pigs aren’t going to ruin my party now!_

Beside me, I hear Lucy stir. She’s coming round again. I wince as she pushes herself up slightly in her seat, waiting for another ear splitting scream. However, it doesn’t come.

“Jesus, just pull over.” She says weakly. She seems pretty spent now.

“Why? Nobody rains on my party.”

“Jesus, it’s over. Just… stop.”

“It’s not over until the messiah says its over!”

Suddenly, the engine splutters, then dies. The car begins to coast on its own power, as I desperately pump the pedal with my foot. However, it’s no use. Checking the instrument panel, I see the problem: the car is out of gas.

_Shit. Fuck. Shit-fuck. Fuck-shit. Shit-shitty-fuck. Fuck-shitty-shit-fuck, shit-shit-shit-shit-fuck-fucking-fuck-shit…_

I slam at the steering wheel in frustration. Sighing deeply, I admit defeat internally, and allow the car to coast over to the road shoulder, lightly pressing the brakes to slowly bleed off the speed.

_Well I guess it couldn’t last anyway. Goodbye fun. Hello thousand-year boredom._

Finally, the car stops. I look over to Lucy in the seat, expecting her to give me a smug smile and the verbal ass-whopping of my lifetime, but it doesn’t come. Instead, she looks at me wearily.

“Happy now?” She says, not a hint of anger in her voice.

“Well… yeah. I guess.” My response doesn’t sound convincing, even to me. I flash my cool messiah smile and get a weak smile in response.

“Jesus, maybe you should… slow down.”

“Slow down? Fuck that shit!”

“No, really,” She says, more insistently this time. “Try it.”

“How?”

“Just relax.” She slouches a little in her seat, and sweeps her gaze out through the windshield. I do likewise.

We just sit there, not saying a word, taking in the cars whipping by, the bright green rolling hills and plains in the distance, and the comforting silence that has fallen over the car. It feels almost peaceful actually, sitting here, not a care in the world, while the world rushes by you.

In fact, it’s actually more enjoyable than the adrenaline rush that I had just now, if I dare say so myself.

“Wow,” I say, breaking the silence after a while. “I didn’t know not doing shit was actually so enjoyable. Now I know why my daddy sits on his ass all day. I should do that too.”

“Yeah, maybe you should. Slow down. Appreciate life as it is. Accept what you have, and celebrate the now. I find that makes me happy.” I look over to Lucy, and she gives me a warm smile. “Maybe it might work for you too.”

“Wow.” I didn’t know Lucy could be so fucking profound. “So is this how you find fulfilment?”

“Yep. You understand now?”

“I think I do now… yes, I do actually.”

My eye catches the rear view mirror again. The mass of cops in the distance are much closer now. I better leave if I don’t want to get my ass caught. Time to say goodbye.

“Well, I think this is where I leave you, Lucy. Goodbye for now. Maybe I’ll see you in the Rapture.” We share a look, and warm smiles. And with that, I vanish out of the driver seat, and warp teleport back into heaven.

Once I’m at the entrance, I walk past St Peter, who is still arguing with the uptight Catholic priest. The people in the line behind him are starting to get real pissed now. However, I pay them no mind as I waltz past them back through the gate.

Now that I’m back in heaven, I’ve gotten most of my powers back, so I look back down at Earth, which is nothing more than the tiniest speck of insignificance from over here, to see how Lucy is doing. Right now, she’s still inside the passenger seat, a smile on her face, as the cops surround the car, with guns drawn.

Even with her bloodied head, she still looks like a supermodel in the afternoon sun, all calm and smooth moves, not a care in the world. I simply smile at what I see. Who knew that I could learn so much from sneaking out from a curfew.

_You know_ , I think to myself, turning on my heel and walking back to the interior of heaven, smile still on my face, _next time somebody asks, maybe I will take the wheel_.


End file.
